Today... Was my Ex boyfriends 20th birthday. and i called him up to with him a happy birthday, just trying to be nice, and he hung up on me. and my friend was like whats up, and i told him. and hes like oh, you broke his heart robyn, im sure anybody that was still hurt about it would do that. and that...right there, made me think. think that i should pay more attention to who im hurting. its just, i dont feel like i should be with somebody, i dont deserve it. every relationship ive been in, i feel like i am drowning, and i dont realize it untill my lungs burn with a lack of oxygen, and the water is flooding my lungs. I feel like im trying to swim to the surface, but i keep sinking, and the weight of the water is crushing me, i struggle and struggle, i try to make it as painless as possible, but when i reach the surface, im alone, i gasp for breath , and cough up the water, i lay on my back and float for a while.the wind and waves are trying to knock me back under the surface, and the air is cold. the water is dark, and its hard to see what im doing to the other person untill i look around and they descided to stay and die under water. and soon my clothing starts to feel beavy and i start to sink down, beneath the surface, into the calm quiet abyss. i sink, i become blind again, and i sink farther into the hydrogen coffin of hearts, and again i feel my lungs burning, my heart sink,and my eyes open, but not be able to see. there was one person who changed this. i sunk so deep, and he just lifted me up and held me above the wather while i spat and coughed. he was my savor, my light. my love. his wings of love and arms of mercy slowly grew tired and i feel again into the water and watched him drift away. now i feel like its raining, and i let myself sink without the company of another. i stay there untill i feel like i will die, and slowly make my way back to the surface and drag myself to shore where i sleep, untill the next misfit key to my heart arrives and askes me to go swiming. and as i sit there, im not sure if i would rather, let myself die on the inside with the constant burning in my lungs, and the permanent blindless and be with somebody. or let myself float apon the surface, being crushed by waves and chilled by lonley autumn winds.and be alone. im just never sure what to do.im not sure if i ever will. do you ever feel like that?